Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Ughers

Gadfly
by Mort Malkin

Ughers

Obama, as a candidate for President said he would close Guantanamo prison, not the US naval base, though. Nor did he say anything about closing the infamous Bagram prison in Afghanistan. As President, he announced early on and with great flair that indeed he will close Guantanamo. The one year deadline soon became indefinite because of two seemingly insurmountable problems. First, how do you try inmates in criminal or civil court in the US after they’ve been tortured? The evidence, largely hearsay and confessions under torture, is inadmissible. Second, the members of Congress said the terrorists were too dangerous to be held in maximum security prisons in their respective states, alongside prisoners convicted of violent crimes.

A special case is the Ughers who are Chinese Muslims. The Bush administration, even Dick Cheney, admitted they were innocent. We could not repatriate them to China because they, as Muslims, might be imprisoned. We have already tried to convince other countries to take them, but the Islamic countries of the world said, “Funny, you don’t look like Muslims.” Finally, the island nations of Bermuda and Palau made behind-closed-door agreements to allow the Ughers in … in return for substantial cash. The people of Bermuda and Palau opposed any secret agreements and threatened the Prime Ministers with recall elections.

The Gadfly Revelry & Research team (GRR) came up with a couple of solutions in less time than it takes to check the spelling of Ugher. First, we could offer the Ugher detainees to Cuba. They are already on that island, and the Castro brothers would like nothing better than first hand reports of the goings on at Guantanamo prison. The Obama administration, to keep Fidel from making two hour speeches about torture and extraordinary rendition, might stop the embargo and open diplomatic relations. Everyone could celebrate with Cuban rum swizzles and Havana cigars. A second solution is to give the Ughers jobs at the CIA as linguists. Translators of Chinese and the dialects of Central Asia should be valuable. If not the CIA, maybe Walmart.

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